2003-06-01 - 4:09 a.m.

A long hiatus, but well-deserved. So, what’s new? Hmm… Got the two jobs thing going on. It’s kind of hard, but you have to do what you have to do, right? Realized once again that my life is going to be nice and unhappy, but maybe considered a small success. I have to survive, right? I got my dress for Rowena’s “thing.” I look pretty. Fat, but pretty. It’s not so much that I *look* fat, as that I *am* fat. That’ll be remedied soon enough, I suppose.

I saw Alkaline Trio with Jessica. They rocked, but the crowd certainly did not. Assholes, I tell you. Assholes. They kind of ripped the then-tender flesh of my back where I’m hosting a color-scar.

My un-life is not working out the way I want it to. To change it means to leave everything to chance, and while at this point, I don’t have anything to lose, I’m just too tired of being the one with hope and then it getting fucked to all hell. I’m so sick of being disappointed. Alot of the time, I can’t breathe, it hurts so bad. And I’m in constant reminder that I’m nothing.

All I want is the chance. And if it doesn’t work out, I’m leaving in 2 ½ months anyway. And if it does, I’d find a way. Without a doubt. I think that’s known. I wish I could make a lot more sense most of the time, but I guess it’s a good thing I’m so understood. I know I’m just a stupid little girl with unrealistic hopes, but goddamnit. I have to have hope.

I know this didn’t make much sense, and I apologize. I guess all my thoughts are just running through my head too fast for me to comprehend them all at once.

Thinking - “You thought I stopped loving you. But I never did. I loved you with my last breath.”

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