2004-01-29 - 8:20 p.m.

My baby is dead. More importantly, I killed him. Everyone said it was the right decision, but I just want to die. It hurts so bad, I can't breathe. He got sick, basically overnight, and I came home today, pretty much to say goodbye. Mom had scheduled a follow up next day visit with the vet today cuz he was doing way worse than yesterday. He had started peeing blood two days ago. And today, he's dead. Why can't I be, too? I feel so wretched. So disgusting. So...I betrayed the only being that loved me with every breath in his body. He looked so bad when I got home today. He weighed 6.5 pounds. His body temperature was 10 degrees below what it was supposed to be. The vet said he had kidney failure, and it wouldn't be much longer, less than a day, maybe. But he was in so much pain that he couldn't even meow. Oh my god, can I please just die? Make my pain just go away. And we couldn't even bury him today, the father wasn't prepared and didn't have frozen ground digging materials. He's acting like it's such an inconvenience. I don't know how I can stay here every weekend anymore. It's just a constant reminder, and I just want to curl up and die. I'm a bad mother. It's all my fault. If I had just come home last weekend, he would still be fine. But I was gone too long, and he thought I had abandoned him. So he reacted, and he left me. The pain consumes me.

7-4-89 -- 1-29-04.

Thinking - "Without you, life wouldn't be the same. Please don't ever go away. And if you go, then don't forget to take me with you."

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